“I remember when my father
died. I was seven years old.”
The opening lines of Dr.
Louise Stanger’s memoir of renewal, Falling Up, indicate just the beginning of what has turned into a life of
loss and challenge – and of perseverance and accomplishment. Dr. Stanger, a prominent addiction
interventionist, has had to overcome more than her fair share of troubles.
Not only did she lose her dad
and grandparents to suicide, but her husband died before she turned 45, and her
infant son died of SIDS. Other family
members and friends died young or suffered from mental illness and/or
addiction. In some ways, she’s been in
recovery her whole life and has been in an understanding position when it comes
to her work of the last three decades—helping others live with addiction and
families to rebound from the damage that comes from addiction.
“This book is dedicated to
all you wonderful vulnerable folks out there who have fought like me back to
clarity out of the I can fix it
bazaar,” says Dr. Stanger, who is a client of the book publicity firm that I work for.
“Back to solid
ground. We’ve both been there –pulling out
all the stops – from standing on your head meditating, to mortgaging your home,
to blaming others, to rescuing, to bailing out, to stand-up paddling down the
Amazon. All in an effort to help your loved one stop using alcohol or other
drugs, stop the horror of depression and mania, stop hemorrhaging all their
money away, stop sleeping with folks they do not know, stop binging and
purging, stop becoming intimate with law enforcement, with drug cartels, with
brothels, stop demolishing a house without a contractor’s license, and stop
lying about where they went or who they were with and what they were doing.”
There are certainly many
inspiring insights and lessons that readers can gather from her motivational
message of renewal and transformation that no matter the odds one is confronted
with, he or she can not only survive, but thrive.
Here is an interview with Dr.
Stanger:
1.
Dr. Stanger, what inspired you to
write Falling Up?
I had previously written academic articles and blogs and did not want to
write a how-to book. So I approached it from the perspective of sharing my
story with friends, families, and treatment providers. Throughout the book, I weaved skills and
tools that they can use in their own lives as they grow and change. I talk
about mental health and substance abuse disorders, sudden death, trauma,
teaching, students, family, marriage, widowhood, and ultimately renewal and
hope. Through this nonlinear approach, I hope the moments resonate with folks
so that they may discover their own story.
2.
Your memoir of renewal shows a
woman, turning 70, who has overcome many setbacks. What do you attribute your
inner strength to?
As a young girl, the sounds of the Baptist church filled my soul and long ago
my housekeeper, Annabelle, rocked me in her arms and told me everything will be
all right. As a young adult, I was greatly influenced by the words of Martin
Luther King Jr., who shouted we shall overcome.
I had the good fortune of meeting folks along the way who believed in me
and helped me triumph through many tragedies. I think it is that early
resilience, both learned and acquired through my experiences, which helped me
along. It was also my father, Sidney, who I remember used to whisper an
endearing phrase in my ear or tickle me that told me all would be okay.
3.
Your dad killed himself when you
were just eight. Your grandparents died in a double-suicide. You lost your
husband before you turned forty-five. Your three-month-old son died of SIDS.
How do you cope with such losses – individually and in totality? The death of my son reminded me of my father.
I share a poem called “Little Boy Blue” in the book, which kept playing in my
head when he died. Then, when my son
died, that same poem came back. Somehow that poem was a coping mechanism.
Coupled with grieving, my family, and sharing my story, I came to see my dad
and son’s lives as gifts rather than unshakable catastrophes. I didn’t let go
of them or their memories, just the unexplained part of why. Through that
process, I also learned the value of seeking professional help and gaining the
courage to have another child after the loss of my son. In sum, I learned to embrace life on its own
terms and be grateful for it.
4.
Are all addictions equal – in terms
of the grip they have over the individual, whether it be alcohol, painkillers,
illegal drugs, gambling, shopping, sex, etc? Substance abuse and process disorders are equal
opportunity killers. They take their tolls in different ways, but all can cause
irreparable damage. For example, the person who struggles with spending all
their money shopping or on nefarious pleasures may well engage in other
mind-altering substances to dull their pain. All addictions come at a cost
(monetary or otherwise). Those costs can be their physical, emotional, or
spiritual well-being as well as the costs of the loved ones who are affected by
their addictions.
5.
You are a third-generation widow
and one of your daughters became a fourth-generation widow. What advice do you
have for women who lost their significant other early in life? I had the privilege of
interviewing hundreds of women who lost their significant other for my doctoral
dissertation. My advice is that grief is normal, non-pathological, comes in
waves and in unexpected ways. Sometimes the best antidote is one widow to
another. There are also chat rooms, groups, counselors, and friends who will
take your late night calls. I hear professionals sometimes say to avoid big
changes, but that is totally an oxymoron. Life is change and with the passing
of a significant other, one must embrace change. Finally, there are no right or
wrong actions in coping with loss. For some, giving away clothes helps them
move on, while I’ve met others who make a patchwork quilt of their loved one’s
clothes as a living memory. The key is to allow yourself to feel the grief and
pain and let go of expectations about how you think you are supposed to live
and react to the loss of a significant other. Everyone walks his or her own
path in grief.
6.
What are some of the hardest
decisions parents, spouses, and children need to make when it comes to
interacting with an addict in the family? Parents and
loved ones have to decide how to love the person who is experiencing a
substance abuse disorder. This means that they have to let go and let them
experience the consequences of their behavior, which means no more monetary
bailouts, cars, gas money, high priced lawyers to bail them out of jail, etc.
No more calling into work, covering up, making excuses, taking the children and
caring for them. Parents, spouses, brothers, sisters etc. have to let go of
control and lean into the discomfort of allowing their loved one to experience the
consequences of their actions. It’s a hard decision, but ultimately it comes
from love and is necessary in order for their loved one to recover.
7.
Your parents told you that you
couldn’t run from your problems, but they didn’t heed their own advice. How
does one find a role model when their parents or those around them fall short? What I’ve observed in my life is
that sometimes when you are not looking, the right folks appear to help you.
For me, it was surely my nanny Annabelle who stepped in to fill the position of
a role model. And after my father died, the camp counselors/owners, Leon and
Rose, at a summer camp my mother sent me to, provided stability for me. Later
in graduate school, Glenn Haworth appeared along with other friends. So I think the key is to be open to learning
and to be curious about life. You never know who will show up to fill a space
in your life, and they come in all sorts of forms. Be ready to welcome what
they have to teach you.
2016 Book Marketing & Book Publicity Toolkithttp://bookmarketingbuzzblog.blogspot.com/2015/12/2016-book-marketing-book-publicity.html
Brian Feinblum’s views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are his alone and not that of his employer. You can follow him on Twitter @theprexpert and email him at brianfeinblum@gmail.com. He feels more important when discussed in the third-person. This is copyrighted by BookMarketingBuzzBlog © 2016
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