You
talkin’ to me?!
There
are a zillion books written about communication skills. Why? Don’t we know how
to talk to one another by now? The answer seems to be a resounding “No.”
Despite
record amounts of visits to therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, marriage
counselors, corporate coaches, and guidance counselors, our society, one that
communicates 24-7 for pleasure, business, or necessity, sucks at the art of
communicating.
We
each believe the problem rests with the other side. We each think we
communicate clearly, often, and pleasantly. The truth is it takes two for a
proper conversation to take place but few of us have exchanges that go off as
intended or as well as we think they did.
What’s
the root cause to this problem that invades the workplace, bedroom, or the line
at McDonald’s? The world moves too fast for us to keep up. Our communications
have decreased in quality, in proportion to our reliance on technological
tools. But we can’t blame busy lives and Twitter for failing at communicating,
though they play significant factors.
Let’s
look at 10 reasons why we may not be so successful at conveying our intentions,
ideas, needs, desires, and concerns:
1.
Communication
requires that we listen to one another. Now more than ever, we talk at each
other and no one listens. Just look at our use of social media - we make
announcements and send out a lot of information but are we participating in a
give-and-take dialog?
2.
Depending
on our emotional state and mood, we may not come off as polite as we should -- nor
may we be in a state of mind to give people the benefit of the doubt in an
exchange of words.
3.
Time
is a factor. We scamper through things, not fully reading an email or paying
attention to what one says to us. Further, we rush what we have to say to
another, perhaps at the expense of important details.
4.
Some
people are just too sensitive. Stop being so sensitive! Sometimes people tell a
joke or make a mistake or really didn’t mean the way something sounded. Get
over it.
5.
Be
aware of your position in the relationship and the setting in which you
communicate. For instance, you’d talk differently to a 4-year-old than you
would a 14-year-old and you’d talk differently to a colleague versus a boss
versus a client versus a spouse versus your mom -- right? And you act one way
privately, another in the public, do you not? Just be aware of the boundaries
and demands of the situation you communicate under.
6.
When
you screw up, apologize. Why bother arguing?
7.
We
all use email buy sometimes a phone call will save you lots of problems. Even
better, use face-to-face meetings to inject some personal humanity into the
conversation.
8.
Try
to be aware of the needs, expectations, desires, concerns, fears and mental
state of the person you are communicating with. You become a better
communicator when you assume what it feels like to be them.
9.
Some
crappy communication happens due to cultural differences. You are not speaking
the same language even if you think you are. Body language, cultural
references, personal values and one’s experiences play a role in how we convey
or interpret an idea or state of mind. It’s easy to misinterpret or misread
another -- or to make wrongful assumptions.
10.
We
are limited by our diversified experiences, education and knowledge. The less
common ground we have, the more likely a conflict arises.
You
know, we can all go on and on to make this list 100+ reasons-long on why we
fail to communicate. I can’t tell you how often someone mistreats another
because they clouded their judgment with preconceived notions or
misperceptions. I also can’t tell you how often my wife and I think we each
said the opposite thing when we shout directives from one floor of our house to
the other. It happens -- whether you love, or hate someone -- that
communicating with them can have many hurdles.
The
key is to minimize the number of misfires and to mitigate the level of
miscommunication. Its one thing to think someone didn’t hear you, or misheard
you; it’s another to think the person ignored you or said something negative.
Do
your best to improve the two-way street of communication, but be prepared to
accept some potholes on every corner.
Interview With Author Rhys Bowen
1. What type of books do you write? I write historical mysteries. Two series, The Molly Murphy
mysteries, set in early 1900s New York City and featuring an Irish immigrant
sleuth and The Royal Spyness books, a lighter series about a member of the
royal family in 1930s England. My books have made the New York Times bestseller
list and won many awards.
2. What is your latest or upcoming book about? My latest book in the Molly Murphy series came out in March.
It's called HUSH NOW, DON'T YOU CRY, and the story takes place in the
"cottages" in Newport Rhode Island. A powerful Irishman has summoned
his family to the cottage in October, hopelessly out of season, and invited
Molly's husband, police captain Daniel Sullivan, to be there are the same time.
They arrive in a thunderstorm and the lightning illuminates a child's face in
an upstairs window. But it seems there is no child in the house. A sense of
foreboding, a feeling that the house is haunted, hangs over Molly. Then the
homeowner is found sprawled at the foot of a cliff. Why had he summoned his
family? What had he wanted to tell them? And whose face had Molly seen?
3. What inspired you to write it? I felt like writing a story with a gothic feel to it. It's
the eleventh book in the series and I like to take Molly out of New York
sometimes. It was interesting to focus on an Irishman who has been very
successful for a change.
4. What did you do before you became an author? Grew up. Went to school. I've been writing
professionally since I sold my first short story at 16. But I did work in BBC
drama after college, before writing my own radio and TV plays.
5. How does it feel to be a published author? Any advice for
struggling writers? I have written many books in
different genres all my life but I still get a thrill when I spot one of my
books on a shelf, or better yet, in an airport! Struggling writers? Know what
you are writing. Study what those already published in the genre are writing.
Read a lot. Then write the best book you can. Don't ever write what you think
will be a best seller. Trends come and go quickly. Good literature
endures.
6. Where do you see book publishing heading? We're in an interesting time and a worrying one too. Self
publishing is now a viable option for writers. This is terrific in many ways
but also concerning. A self published book on Amazon hasn't gone through the
layers of editing and vetting that a traditionally published writer has to go
through. Some of them are really poor quality and may well turn off potential
readers. I'm not sure where this will end up. Will it mean the end of
publishing as we know it? Perhaps. The end of paper books? There is already a
huge shift. A year ago my e-book sales were about one tenth of my total sales.
Now they are close to half.
Brian Feinblum’s views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are his alone and not that of his employer, the nation’s largest book promoter. You can follow him on Twitter @theprexpert and email him at brianfeinblum@gmail.com. He feels more important when discussed in the third-person.
What Advice Would I Give A Struggling
Writer?
by
Writer and Illustrator Gary Raham
Author of 17 titles of science fact
and/or science fiction
Former Co-Regional Advisor for SCBWI,
Rocky Mountain Region
1.) Enjoy the process
Make sure that crafting words and
telling compelling stories matters to you. Realize that this enjoyment has to
be self-fulfilling, because you may or may not reach a receptive audience in
your lifetime. If you are compelled to write, place that task at the top of
your to-do list. Carve out a few minutes daily, a few hours weekly and write.
2.) Find your peers and share
Find or build a group of writers
sympathetic to your writing passion at approximately your skill level and share
your work. Everybody learns; everybody feels the pain—and also gets some
strokes. Also, find local writer’s networks of a larger size that can provide
more training and opportunities to share. (Examples: The Society of Children’s
Book Writers and Illustrators [SCBWI], Science Fiction Writers &
Illustrators of America [SFWA], etc.) Volunteer your skills and talents and
make connections. This can be hard for the focused introverts among you, but
valuable.
3.) Know your craft and stretch yourself
Daily writing and networking will place
you in the path of onrushing opportunity. Make sure that the quality of your
skills is sharp and ready for any sudden collisions with recognition and
publication. Survival and success after impact will largely depend on the
strength of your talent, preparation, and determination. Once you experience a
measure of success, stretch yourself. Reacquaint yourself with that original
joy in the process of learning to wield the power and beauty of language in new
and different ways.
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Brian Feinblum’s views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are his alone and not that of his employer, the nation’s largest book promoter. You can follow him on Twitter @theprexpert and email him at brianfeinblum@gmail.com. He feels more important when discussed in the third-person.
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