What
do you expect when you put a Pulitzer Prize/Tony Award-winning writer with an
Oscar-winning actor in a Broadway play?
You expect a decent if not great play that would have to work hard at
disappointing fans. I’m here to say that
as a witness to a theatrical train wreck, David Mamet and Al Pacino stole the
show with their abysmal production.
Literally stole the show, as in I was robbed. I didn’t see a show; I saw a hoax of a show.
Yes,
China Doll was that bad.
How
bad? If you got free tickets, turn them
down. Don’t give them away – that would
bring grief upon the recipients.
How
bad? If someone offered to pay you to
go, turn the offer down. Have some
respect for yourself and volunteer to clean up raw sewage before swimming in
the muck offered up on Broadway.
This
is a lesson learned for the consumer. As
soon as I heard a Pacino-Mamet play was coming out, I bought a ticket. I didn’t need to even know what it was about.
My faith in these two genius talents permitted me to open my wallet, no
questions asked. Now I have a lot of
questions to ask.
At
intermission I asked one of the ushers if the play gets any better. He paused for a period of time that felt
uncomfortable but was telling, and then he blurted out: “Well, it’s still in
previews,” as if to say maybe they will make changes and improvements. This won’t benefit from tweaks. It needs an overhaul or a merciful cancellation
notice.
But
it doesn’t work that way.
Big
names bring big bank and I read the first week of previews brought in some good
coin, probably because people bought in, like me, on the names. But hopefully reviews like this will dissuade
other suckers from dropping a Benjamin or more to see inferior fare that’s far
from being Broadway worthy.
So
what was so wrong with this play of such promise? For starters, it was virtually a one-man
play. Two actors occupied a single set
for two hours, one of which talked 95% of the time. I like Pacino but even he can’t keep my
attention for 120 minutes all by himself.
The
dialogue – if you can call it that – was boring and repetitive, especially in
the first half. The action picked up in
the second half, but not enough to justify the long road taken to get there. To make matters worse, Pacino’s method for
delivering his lines was to constantly talk on a cellphone where we only heard
his side of the story. It was just like
being on a train where you hear half of an annoying conversation.
The
play could be summarized as this: Corrupt businessman wants to leave the game
and wed a hot woman whom he knows just wants his money, but just as he tries to
“retire,” past transgressions are about to catch up to him. This all sounds
like it could be interesting, but it really isn’t. Not the way this play presented the story.
The
first minute of the play was great because you didn’t know of the 119 minutes
of disappointment to follow. All you saw
was Pacino, his disheveled self, talking in a raspy voice. A bad wig was distracting but hey, there was
Scarface, Scent of a Woman, and Dog Day Afternoon right in front of me, live. And he was doing a play by the guy who gave
us House of Games, Glengarry Glen Ross, The Untouchables, The Verdict, and The
Postman Always Rings Twice.
There was one line in the play that showcased Mamet's brilliance and reminded you of why you would want to see his work. He said: "Everyone wants to get into Heaven but no one wants to die."
There was one line in the play that showcased Mamet's brilliance and reminded you of why you would want to see his work. He said: "Everyone wants to get into Heaven but no one wants to die."
The
rest was downhill. It was like finding
out there’s no Santa Claus or that your parents are just ordinary, fallible
people. One play just tarnished two
distinguished careers.
Okay,
you may think I’m being harsh but I’m being kind. After intermission, the entire row of people
to my right and left did not return for Act II.
Additionally, the people in front of me agreed with my out-loud
assessment that this play stunk worse than New Jersey does on a damp summer
day. Lesson learned: Don’t see a play
because of what performers have done in the past.
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