Interview with ScreamFree Institute
Founder & New York Times Best-Selling
Author Hal Runkel
I am proud to say that I have worked on and off with
Hal Runkel and his Scream Free Institute for the past decade, helping him to
successfully launch ScreamFree Parenting into a New York Times best-seller, and then to promote his sequel,
ScreamFree Marriage. The Atlanta-based LMFT founded a non-profit organization
to help couples, parents, teachers, and leaders to embrace a scream-free world
(www.screamfree.com) and for the past
half dozen years has done some terrific work with the United States military,
touring over 125 bases and holding retreats to help over 10,000 military
families return home to a place of calm.
1. Hal, after
your New York Times best-seller, ScreamFree Parenting. launched a
movement towards raising kids in an environment of calm, you wrote ScreamFree Marriage. Tell us how your books encourage us not to
lose our cool in heated moments with those we love the most?
--At
some level, we all recognize the need to stay cool. But if we simply wait till
the heat of the moment to suddenly push pause, we are rarely successful. What
helps us stay cool in that moment is a combination of clarity and commitment. Clarity
to see what’s happening, both within the relationships involved and within
ourselves, and a commitment to calm as our number one priority. That’s where
the ScreamFree approach comes in.
Both
books give you clarity by highlighting the unique relationship dynamics
involved in our spouse and parenting relationships. This includes pointing out
some definite lies we’ve all been taught about these relationships, and how
following those lies is one of the reasons we “scream.” (Like the idea that
strong-willed children need to be controlled, for instance, or the idea that
great couples meet each other’s needs).
Both
books also foster the commitment you need to stay cool. This comes through
showcasing the value, and positive effects, of calm. Before you get any
how-tos, you get a thorough why-to, which is so much more important. I will not
do anything unless I have a strong motivation to do so, and neither will you.
So we need to be convinced that staying calm is by far the best path to
handling any moment in the moment. These books do that by demonstrating logical
principles, and by telling emotional stories of real parents and spouses making
courageous, cool-headed decisions. This combination of logic and emotion gives
the reader all the motivation they need to make a commitment to cool.
2. ScreamFree
Institute was founded by you to help not only parents or couples, but teachers
as well as business leaders. Please
explain what your non-profit has been able to do.
--The
ScreamFree Institute exists for one reason: to help people stay cool, so they
can learn to handle any moment in the moment. This puts us in the community
transformation business, because moments handled well create great relationships.
And great relationships change lives. And changed lives transform communities.
This is true whether that “community” is a family unit, or a corporate culture,
or an entire Army.
And
that’s what we’ve been able to do. We’ve trained and certified over 1500
leaders and helping professionals, in 47 states and 16 countries, to lead tens
of thousands of people through the ScreamFree principles. We’ve made over 150
visits to U.S. Army installations all over the world, helping thousands of
military families and leaders mitigate the effects of war and deployments and
injuries and loss.
More
than anything, we’ve helped start a movement toward calm, in the midst of a
world in chaos. Since our first book ScreamFree
Parenting came out almost ten years ago, publishers have released at least
eight major new books on calm relationships. In that time, the “Keep Calm and
Carry On” craze has become a worldwide phenomenon. Most importantly, waves of
new research have documented the transformative power of pause, and it is in
the public consciousness like perhaps never before.
We’re
very proud to be a catalyst in this cause. And we’re just getting started.
3. A major
piece of your efforts over the past half-dozen years has been to help over
10,000 military families. You’ve spoken at over 50 military bases all over the
world, encouraging our soldiers to be better spouses and parents. How difficult
– and rewarding – is that experience?
Our
experience helping military families has been both the hardest, yet most
fulfilling, work of my career. Hardest, in that we’re meeting and trying to
help people heal through trauma I don’t even want to imagine, but most
fulfilling in that we get to see that healing up close, even among the scars of
war.
A
few months ago I was at Ft. Hood in Texas, delivering a parenting seminar on
leading our teens into adulthood. One of the participants was an obviously
wounded warrior—he had a leg of titanium and was, not to be too explicit,
missing about half of his face. Yet there he was, diligently taking notes and
asking questions. Afterwards, my heart and curiosity was drawn towards his
woundedness, but he wanted none of it. “I’ve got plenty of people helping me
with that; what I need is help with my kids. I’m still a dad, and I’ve got two
boys about to be teenagers. I need to be prepared.”
American
Sniper has garnered a ton of attention, and is breaking the box office. But the
best part of that movie, for us, is that it’s expanding the definition of a
“wounded warrior.” Chris Kyle is never really physically wounded, but he
carries so much increasing internal pain. As does his wife and kids. These are
some of the most devastating wounds, because they don’t get the same immediate
help. But we’ve been asked, again and again, to provide that help, and it’s an
amazing honor.
4. What are
some of the core principles behind the methods taught by ScreamFree Institute?
1. We
are never responsible for anyone else and the choices they make (even our
kids). We are always, however, responsible to others for the choices we make. Yes,
this level of accountability varies with each relationship (I am more
responsible to my wife than I am my co-workers), but our choices affect
everyone at some level. That’s why the greatest thing we can do for others is
focus more on ourselves—that’s not selfishness, that’s recognizing we owe it to those around us to be
more conscious and in control of our thoughts, words, and actions.
2. Whenever
we get reactive (“screaming”), we don’t just make things worse; we actually end
up creating the very outcomes we were hoping to avoid. For instance, if I want
my teenager to open up to me, freaking out whenever they complain will only
shut them down. Or, if I want my boss to respect and trust me, bitching behind
her back will give her no reason to. This principle is true in any moment, in
any relationship, and that’s why we base our whole philosophy on committing to
stay cool.
3. No
one ever gets the problem they want; what we get is almost always a problem we
helped create. One of our most self-destructive thoughts is that our struggles
have little to do with us, and everything to do with everyone around us—boss,
spouse, kids, government, ex, whomever. That outlook prevents us from
accurately seeing the truth: so much more of our lives is determined by our own
choices than we realize. This is good news, because if my current situation is
largely created by my choices, then simply changing my choices can change my
life. And most of our choices are reactions to those around us, not responses.
When we commit to staying cool, when we become ScreamFree, we change those
reactions (which always backfire) into responses (which have the chance of most
authentically representing ourselves). This turns our problems into the best
opportunities for life-change.
4. Put
on your own oxygen mask first. We’ve all been on the airplane and heard the
speech. If we lose cabin pressure, take care of yourself first—‘cause if you’re
out of breath, you can’t help anyone else. This is actually amazing life wisdom
from the airlines. When we exhaust and exclude ourselves in the name of serving
everyone else, we actually don’t end up helping anyone. Basic self care is the
basis for true service.
5. What can
people do to get involved with your organization?
We’re not just trying
to build an organization; we’re creating a
movement. So, people can get involved with this movement at a number of
different levels. The most obvious way is to begin internalizing the principles
of ScreamFree living. Visit our website and read the blog. Watch the videos.
Subscribe to our weekly podcast “You Must Chill” or buy one of our books. You could even come to one of our trainings
and become a certified ScreamFree Leader.
But, beyond being a consumer, once you’ve seen the transformative power of these life-changing principles work
in your own life, share the message with others. Forward the daily eQuips to
your friends. Post links to our articles on Facebook. Host a book club in your
neighborhood. Spread the message of the power of calm to all the people in your
network. Buy a coffee mug or a t-shirt from our online store. Get the word out:
Staying cool never goes out of style.
Finally, you can actually partner with us
financially. You can do that in a number of ways whether it’s by bringing us into an organization — your workplace,
your school, your church, your town —
or by donating
towards our Calm & Connected Retreats for military personnel and their
spouses. You could attend one of our events like The Big Scream fundraiser,
where you’d get to meet all of the folks who make ScreamFree
happen, and see some of the people whose lives have been affected by the
retreats we host.
Simply put, people can consume the
message, spread the message, and fund the message.
6. What resources are available to those who
want to strengthen their relationships through calm and not chaos?
First—yes, we have books, available at bookstores online and everywhere else,
but some people may not know that we have corresponding study guides — DVDs of the full seminars with workbooks — that are actively used by book clubs or small groups happening around
the country and the world.
Also, There are hundreds of helpful
articles on our website. We also send out a daily email (Monday through Friday)
to thousands of subscribers called an “eQuip” —
a short, memorable
way to start your day in a ScreamFree way.
One big initiative The ScreamFree
Institute is embarking upon this year is to take our content into the digital
age, putting as much of it as we can online in both audio and video formats. We
want to harness technology to put these principles into the hearts and minds of
as many people as possible. Check our website regularly and stay connected with
us to see the revolutionary changes we’re making to bring relationship transformation into the 21st
century.
7. As a dad of
two and a husband of two decades, do you sometimes find it hard to follow your
own advice?
Well,
this ScreamFree stuff doesn’t really work; it just sounds good! Obviously, I
don’t really believe that, but anyone who’s read my books, or has seen me speak,
knows that I usually begin with some humiliating story about me, the so-called
expert, screaming my head off in one way or another. Unfortunately, I’ve given
myself plenty of material. This is not because the principles don’t work; it’s
because I am not naturally a “cool” guy, in any sense of the word.
My
natural inclination is toward reacting, not responding. The therapist in me
says that’s probably why I started ScreamFree, to try to heal myself first. And
that’s not too far off—I will always be my most important client. In order for
me to create and enjoy the relationships I’ve always craved, and help others do
the same, I need to continually focus on calming myself down and growing myself
up. And it’s a full-time job.
What
my wife says I do best, along these lines, is ask for feedback, and ask for
help. In order to catch all my blindspots, I’ve got to have honest feedback
from those around me. In order to accomplish things I’ve never tried, I’ve got
to have help from others along the path. This way, it’s not about me following
my own advice, it’s about following others’. Not coincidentally, these are
usually the things I most try to encourage my kids to do.
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