Author of Family Changes: Explaining Divorce to Children
1. Over 1.5 million children each year are
impacted by the divorce of their parents.
What advice do you have for parents seeking to explain divorce to their
younger children? It is very important for parents to be on the same page
when explaining the divorce to their children for the sake of consistency –
otherwise children can become confused very quickly. Although there are many painful circumstances
that lead up to divorce, I recommend that parents agree to share simple
information to younger children, utilizing the same language and words. I also suggest parents avoid the blame game
and any put-downs of the other parent during these conversations. Blaming and
criticizing only places the child in the middle of the tug-of-war and places
the child in the uncomfortable position of choosing one parent over the other.
Blame and criticism of a parent also elicit anger and confusion in the child for
that parent, which can be destructive for the child-parent relationship. All children need to idealize their parents,
especially when they are very young. The more parents can protect this
idealization and foster a strong attachment and positive relationship between
each child and each parent, the better the child will fare in the short and
long run. As children get older and more
cognitively and emotionally mature, it may be more appropriate to share
necessary details about the divorce – young children don’t need to hear the
details of this process.
2. As a
licensed clinical psychologist of twenty years, does it just break your heart
to see broken families seek a way to make sense out of lost love? It is hardest for me when parents walk away
without trying to make the relationship work.
In non-traumatic, non-abusive relationships, if couples give therapy an
honest try for a significant amount of time, and then come to the conclusion
that they are unable to work through the conflicts, it feel less painful. It is the hardest when couples walk away
abruptly or surprisingly, without any exploration, understanding, or work
process. For many children, it is a loss
of what they are most familiar with and the beginnings of multiple life
transition changes, so confusion and grief is not unusual. However, if parents are able to maintain a
cooperative co-parenting relationship, can reduce conflict to a minimum, and can
stabilize the children’s living situation quickly, most children can fare well
as children are resilient.
3. What kind of questions are usually posed by
children to their divorcing parents? Children
often wonder if it was their fault and if they are to blame for the divorce. It is important to clarify this assumption
and make it very clear to the child that it is never the child’s fault. This should be done over and over, even if
the child does not overtly ask this question. Children also frequently hope
that if they behave well or follow the rules they will be able to make their
parents get back together. Again, it is important to share with the child that
it is not the child’s responsibility to make the marriage work, as marriage is
a grown-up issue that has nothing to do with the child. As the separation occurs, it is natural for
children to miss the parent they are not staying with, even if it is shared
custody. Children need to be told that
it is okay to miss the other parent, and that children can voice this
feeling. A plan should be in place for
reaching out and connecting with the missed parent, and explained to the child.
On a more practical level, children
wonder about their schedules, their toys, their clothes, their rooms, and it is
very helpful if parents can concretely explain how this new family system will
work, and how the child will have their belongings in both homes. My book, Family
Changes: Explaining Divorce to Children is intended to address these
questions with young children via a gentle story and beautiful illustrations
that children will be able to understand and emotionally connect with. A list of typical questions is also presented
at the end of the book for adults to process with children experiencing a
parental divorce.
4. What
can be done to make this process easier? In the midst of a significant life
transition, parents can make it easier for children by spending as much quality
time with their children as possible. If
a child’s foundation, the family, is suddenly shifting, the child needs to be
reassured via parents paying close attention to the him/her, doing fun things
with them, and being with them in gentle, kind, consistent, and stable ways to
demonstrate to the child that their relationship and attachment is ever
present. It is through this emotional
process that the child will realize that they will always be well taken care of
by each parent, and this is key to enhancing a child’s coping and
resilience.
5. What
inspired you to write your book? I was inspired to write this book by the
children and families I have worked with over the years. As a clinical psychologist, I’ve witnessed
children being utilized as a ping-pong ball in angry power struggles between
parents. I've experienced children shifting from being happy, well-balanced,
and empowered kids, to becoming anxious, aggressive, depressed, and helpless
children when parents struggled to work together as a cooperative co-parenting
team during and after the divorce.
Simultaneously, I’ve also worked with divorcing parents who are able to
successfully navigate the explanations, questions, emotional holding, sharing,
and co-parenting in collaborative ways, so that I have never even had to work
with the child as he/she continued to thrive! So how you divorce and how you work with your
child through the divorce can make an enormous difference in the outcome. Hence, I wrote this book with the intent to
provide an engaging tool for children to better understand divorce, and a comprehensive
model for parents to facilitate safe, connected, and meaningful conversations
with their children to support and help them cope in the best possible ways.
6. Should
parents stay together for the sake of the kids? This is a complicated question as it
places the adult’s needs in direct competition with the child’s needs. I don’t think there is any one correct answer
to this question as there are so many important variables involved. I think it is essential to explore the
reasons for the break-up, the possibility of resolving conflicts, the home
environment for the children if the parents do or don’t divorce, the specific
developmental needs of each child in the home, and the potential for
significant financial, schooling, and home changes that could be disruptive to
the child. Most children are resilient
and the research shows that children cope well with divorce in the short and
long run if the divorce is handled well and the parents co-parent
cooperatively. It is when the life
changes are significantly debilitating and there continues to be chronic
conflict between the parents around children, finances, schooling, etc. that
children are more likely to demonstrate negative short and long-term
consequences related to divorce.
7. Do
kids seem surprised when their parents break up or did they sense there was
trouble at home? In my experience, most children sense that trouble is
brewing between their parents before the separation is announced. Children are
intuitive and sensitive, and usually tuned in to parents’ arguments, tensions,
and conflicts. Children often also hear
and see the disagreements. If I am
working with the child, the child will often share with me their worry that
his/her parents are going to get divorced.
In such moments, it is important for parents to process the child’s
concerns and address his/her questions in reasonably honest and developmentally
appropriate ways, so that the child is not left wondering, confused, and
anxious.
8. How
should parents tell a child they are divorcing? It is best if parents
discuss the plan and the choice of words they are going to use to share the
news with the child prior to the discussion.
With young children, it is important to use simple language and provide
simple facts. It is essential to
reassure the child that the parent-child relationship will remain the same and
that the child will be well loved and taken care of by each parent. I usually recommend that parents share the
news together with the child and answer relevant questions in unison, which
means preparing for typical, expected questions children ask when they learn
about the separation/divorce. My book, Family Changes, provides a guide for
parents to explain divorce to young children and offers choice words and
language that are developmentally appropriate, which could be useful to
divorcing parents.
9. What
was challenging to you when putting your book together? The most
challenging piece for me was the technical aspects of the book. It is an industry unto itself and was a steep
learning curve for me in terms of deciding page numbers, layout, trim, size, publishing
formats, isbns, etc. Since I already
knew in my mind what I wanted to create, I realized that writing the book and
working with the illustrator was only the first step. When it comes to children’s picture storybooks,
there is so much more work and thought behind the scenes in creating a professional,
polished book. Hence, I sought out
professional guidance from experts in the field to assist me in the process, to
whom I am very grateful. Fortunately,
now that I have more understanding and experience under my belt, I feel I can
continue to move forward in producing the other children’s books I have
written.
DON'T MISS THESE POSTS
Authors United Petitioning Justice Dept Over Amazon: Will You Join Them?
Will Twitter be here to help authors in 2016?
This Social Media Legal Handbook Helps Authors Navigate Laws
Free newswires can help promote books and author brands
What Should Be Book Publishing’s Slogan?
19 Digital Tools To Assist Authors
What to do when book marketing fails you
Book Marketing Advice You Fin On A T-Shirt
Brian Feinblum’s views, opinions, and ideas expressed in this blog are his alone and not that of his employer. You can follow him on Twitter @theprexpert and email him at brianfeinblum@gmail.com. He feels more important when discussed in the third-person. This is copyrighted by BookMarketingBuzzBlog © 2015
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.