On National Grief Awareness Day, A Poignant Book by A Mother Who Lost Her Teen
Daughter, Shares Guidance on Grieving
Any loss, of life is
a burden to survivors, but to lose one’s child is the greatest loss of
all. Kim Peacock, after many tears shed
and wounds salted, is giving something back to the millions of people each year
who lose a loved one – and to the tens of millions who seek to comfort those
who suffer a loss. Her new book, Victorious Heart: Finding Hope and Healing after a Devastating
Loss (Morgan James Publishers), honors her teen daughter’s life,
Nicole, while sharing useful advice, guidance, and support for those in the
throes of grieving. It is a perfect contribution for National Grief Awareness
Day, August 30th.
Kim says she suffers
from a grief PTSD. And who would expect
her not to? Not only did she suffer the
loss of her daughter, she witnessed it, a horrific ATV accident while on a
family vacation two decades ago.
“Even though you
never ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one,” says Kim, “you are honoring them by
living well and not forgetting them. You
can live victoriously in the midst of your grief. Victorious Heart was written to help
those in the valley of sorrow to know that they are not alone and they will
make it through the heartbreak of losing a loved one.”
Kim’s book is a
beautiful story of hope and healing. It
helps provide answers to questions about surviving a deep pain, how one finds
joy again, and how to navigate challenging moments months and years later. Her
advice to those grieving includes these insights:
Here’s an interview
with Kim, a client for the public relations firm that I work for:
1.
Kim, you witnessed your teenager
daughter, Nicole, die in an accident while on vacation, seeing her drive an ATV
off the road and plunging to her death.
How did you find the strength and courage to live with such a devastating
loss? Nicole’s accident is forever imprinted on my
mind. When I allow my thoughts to dwell
there I struggle to find strength and courage.
In the days leading up to Nicole’s service we found a verse that stood
out to us. Joshua 1:9 reminded us to be strong and courageous because God is
with us. I didn’t feel courageous, but
those words reminded me that I could be because He was with me. The word Be implied that I had a choice to be
strong and brave. So, every moment I had
to be intentional about being brave, and sometimes that meant just getting out
of bed in the morning. I still have to
remind myself that I have to choose to be brave. Brave doesn’t just happen.
2.
It’s been 21 years since that
fateful day in December. Does it seem
like yesterday? In many ways it does feel like it
was just yesterday. There are times that
the sorrow still overwhelms me like a wave and the pain is raw and fresh. Some days it feels like she was just here and
seems strange that everyone else has moved on and grown up. Nicole would have turned 38 this year, but
she will always be 17 years old to me.
Her littlest sister, whom she always spoiled rotten is married and has 4
kids. It is hard for my brain to absorb
that she has never seen her nieces and nephew.
On the other hand, it seems like a life time since I’ve been able to hug
my girl, hear her sweet voice and infectious laugh.
3.
What inspired you to write not only
your story but a helpful guidebook for those suffering a loss – and those who
support the people who have lost a loved one?
When Nicole
passed away we weren’t prepared for the pain that entered our lives. Our family
was thrust into another dimension. The
world still looked the same, but nothing was the same. As we tried to find our footing in our new
world, survival didn’t feel possible. We
had amazing people around us who loved us, yet it felt as if no one could
relate to the intensity of our pain. We
began to seek out other parents who had lost children. Somehow to look at their faces and see their
existence gave us courage to keep going.
I want Victorious Heart to be a beacon of light to show others it
is possible to not only survive, but to have hope and healing in the midst of
their loss.
4.
What should people understand about
the grieving process? Grief is not a linear journey. There are many layers to sorrow and it is
deeply personal. No two people
experience pain in the same way. It is
important to give yourself space to grieve in the way that brings the most
healing to you. Don’t allow the
expectations of our culture press you into a place that doesn’t do that. Also, once you experience the loss of someone
you love dearly, you don’t “get over it”.
Even though I have experienced a large measure of healing, my heart will
never be “fixed” and return to the way I was prior to December 28, 1998. Grief is a part of my life and it has forever
changed me, but that’s okay. It has
brought a deep appreciation for life.
5.
What advice do you have for
friends, family, neighbors, and colleagues who want to help one in their grief
but don’t know what to do or say? What do you say to a devastated,
grieving family? The truth is, there is
often nothing to be said, no magical words that will make it all better. But
for us, the actions and care of the community around us acted as a salve to our
wounded hearts. Women from our church
just showed up with bottled water, food and cards. They quietly took care of what was needed. Our animals were fed, the trash was taken out
and the counters were wiped down. Some
of the greatest comfort we received came from those who said little, but just
showed up. The acts of kindness from the those who expected nothing from us in
return. They loved us without
expectations or judgement
6.
You have a blended family – a
step-daughter, a daughter you share with your husband, and three adopted children. It looks like you have a huge capacity to
love. How has Nicole’s passing
influenced how you raised your children and now, several grandchildren? I realize how precious life is. My favorite memories of Nicole are the
ordinary days. It is in those days in
which we just did life. Watching her practice horsemanship for her next horse
show or even the road trip to the next horse show. Those were the precious times.
So, I try to be intentional about slowing down and savoring every ordinary
moment with my kids and grandkids. I’m
not guaranteed one more moment with them, so I have to remember to be present
in every single moment I am in. I don’t
always do it. It is very easy to get
caught up in the striving, to get more and to do more. But it something that I try to always be
aware of.
7.
Where does the title of your Book, Victorious
Heart, come from? Shortly after Nicole’s death a
close family friend gave us a book mark.
The top bore Nicole’s name and underneath was the meaning of her
name. “Victorious Heart”. Those were perfect words to describe our
girl. I began to think about what that
would look like in my own life. I sure
didn’t feel victorious, but a little seed was planted in my heart. I knew instantly that I wanted to live with a
Victorious Heart. Those words became a
sort of mantra and the theme of my life.
In some ways it was a way for me to honor Nicole’s memory, but because
of those words I found an unexpected conduit to the healing of my heart.
8.
Tell us about Nicole. What kind of person was she? Wild
and Free are the words that come to mind.
Nicole gave love freely and without judgement. Her heart was always soft toward the hurting
and she seemed to see a struggling person when no one else did. When she was young, she hated to lose and was
frankly a sore loser. However, because
she showed horses, she learned the importance of losing well. She worked hard and was a fierce competitor
at every horse show. Yet, she decided
early on that it was more important to her to make it her goal to make friends
at every horse show she participated in.
Her wild, free spirit showed through in her sparkly blue eyes and
beautiful smile. She truly lived up to
the meaning of her name. Victorious
Heart.
9.
How did prayer and your faith help
you put Nicole’s death into perspective?
When Nicole
was being transported to the hospital a ranger offered to give me a ride. On that ride he said, “Don’t quit
praying”. At the time I believed if I
prayed, Nicole’s earthly life would be spared.
What I came to understand was prayer would save my life. In Chapter 2 of the book I talk about how
those prayers literally sustained me. I
also struggled with visions of Nicole plunging off the sand dune repeatedly. During that time, I had to ask myself if what
I believed about God and Heaven still held true in my pain. If it was true,
then I believed that because of Nicole’s faith in God she was in Heaven and she
was more alive than I was here on this earth.
10. You
wrote, “Hope is not fragile; just hard to find when the lights go out.” What gave you hope? For
me it is a matter of focus or said another way – perspective. When I look
around at what I see, to the visible circumstances around me, that is when hope
is hard to find. My focus is on my pain
or the sad things of this world. However, when I step back and remind myself that
what I see is not all there is, then I find hope. I have to rely on what I know, not on how I
feel. What I know, what I believe is
that there is a Heaven and our time on this earth is ever so brief, then there
will be eternity. I do have a choice on
how I spend my time --and where my focus lies.
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